I work with a special individual who is known for being abrasive, difficult and confrontational. Let’s call this special individual ‘Karen’. When I initially met Karen, ‘someone hurt you’ was the first thing I picked up on. I held space for this and withheld judgment. Now you will spot us laughing and working together on our important project, risk management. This did not happen overnight. People see this at work and ask me why their approach to this person failed (and why she yelled at them).
There are a few rules of engagement that have helped me and they apply to everyone.
Let’s cover the basics. Have they been fed? Did you ask them how their weekend was? Did you ask them in the morning? Not everyone is a morning person. Do they look rested? If they don’t, I wouldn’t mention sleep. “You look tired” is a great way of losing the person you are speaking to.
Because I sit across the hall from this person, I often serve as the liaison to the rest of the company. I can tell a lot by listening to her eat. If she’s clanging her spoon on her food bowl aggressively, I know its been a bad morning. The more aggressive it is, the more someone must have set her off. Most likely she received a request from someone who also had a bad morning. But it can all be avoided by simply listening. The very thing that set each person off could very well be the result of a lack of food or sleep. The rest usually is because someone didn’t listen to the cues they were presented with. If you know your coworker is overburdened and stressed, perhaps it is not the appropriate time to pile on more. But how does this work in the family unit?Let’s extrapolate this up our chain of command.
Before asking your wife, your coworker, your boss or anyone a request, invest a little. Are you asking your wife to pick up your dirty socks when she’s had a terrible day? Perhaps its the anniversary of someone close to her passing. Did you know she grieves this day, every year? Perhaps, your snoring kept her up that night. Maybe she was stuck in traffic for an hour. Maybe somebody she was depending on let her down. This is your cue to do some dishes, help with the kids or set up the entertainment system with her favorite shows on Netflix. Just invest. If she’s a healthy individual, she will appreciate your efforts.
If you want to be more influential in your circle, listen to your wife. Listen to your kids. Listen to your coworkers. Some of these people have spent their entire lives not being seen or heard. They feel misunderstood and undervalued. Put their needs first and they will do the same in return.
Above all, listen to your heavenly Father. Have you gone full throttle into a prayer comprised of complaints and requests? Perhaps, for the sake of relationship, it would be better to approach Him with thanksgiving. Thank Him for his provision, Praise Him and pause to listen. Then, with prayer and supplication, make your requests known.
Listen. Then invest. It always pays a dividend.